feature

Meet the Candidates 2020: Tulsi Gabbard

Meet the Candidates 2020: Tulsi Gabbard

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard was one of the first Democratic presidential candidates to announce and was poised to be nothing more than an also-ran shit-stirrer with an amazing grey streak until early fall of 2019, when Hillary Clinton decided to make her public enemy #1. Thankfully all of this drama has reinvigorated interest in Gabbard’s bizzaro biography, because the story of how we wound up with Tulsi Gabbard in the first place is a whopper. 

Meet the Candidates 2020: Wayne Messam

Meet the Candidates 2020: Wayne Messam

Who is Mayor and Democratic presidential contender Wayne Messam? Your life probably won’t be measurably different if you never find out, but just for shits and giggles lets give this thing a go.  

Meet the Candidates 2020: Marianne Williamson

Meet the Candidates 2020: Marianne Williamson

Depending on your point of view and your general openness to culty woowoo nonsense, you may be thinking that Marianne Williamson is the most interesting candidate in the race, and look, we’re not here to dissuade you of that notion. While not the most articulate on the issues (her love of New Zealand notwithstanding) Williamson’s origin story is definitely worth reading up on if you enjoy being entertained and/or want a new yet another reason to be annoyed with California.

Meet the Candidates 2020: Andrew Yang

Meet the Candidates 2020: Andrew Yang

If you’ve spent much time at all thinking about the Yang Gang, then you’re definitely a millennial so congrats on having no assets or retirement savings. It’s no wonder that Yang’s marquee proposal, a universal basic income that he calls the “Freedom Dividend,” appeals to you. If you’re not part of the doomed generation, your first thought about Andrew Yang was probably, “What on earth?” and then your second was probably, “Who is this guy on the debate stage wearing no tie?” It’s been a long time since somebody dazzled the overly coiffed candidate field with such a dashing display of casualness. 

Meet the Candidates 2020: Tom Steyer

Meet the Candidates 2020: Tom Steyer

Electing a rich guy from New York with no obvious qualifications to be president is going so swimmingly, why not try it again? That’s the apparent logic behind native Upper East Sider, retired hedge funder, and anti-Trump commercial-maker Tom Steyer’s campaign for president. 

Meet the Candidates 2020: Bill de Blasio

Meet the Candidates 2020: Bill de Blasio

NYC mayor Bill de Blasio is among the most distinctive members of the forgettable generic white people club for two reasons:

  1. He’s tall. Too tall. If you noticed a giant lumberjack (beanpole?) of a man shouting from the fringes of the stage at the first two Democratic debates, you probably were noticing Bill de Blasio. 

  2. He’s, politically speaking, far to the left of the other generic white people. That means that when you noticed him shouting from off-camera, it was probably about how some other godforsaken corner-person was telling us what we can’t do and can’t have and shouldn’t stand for and why to stop dreaming IMMEDIATELY.

Meet the Candidate 2020: Joe Sestak

Meet the Candidate 2020: Joe Sestak

Here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter what Joe Sestak says or does because he hasn’t qualified for a single debate and his platform is indistinguishable from every other generic white person on the trail anyway. See: Tim Ryan, Michael Bennet, and John Delaney. Or actually see none of them because even finding out about Joe Sestak second-hand isn’t worth it. But fine, if you insist…

Meet the Candidates 2020: John Delaney

Meet the Candidates 2020: John Delaney

What could be better that big, structural change? Well small, imperceptible change that doesn’t impact the ultra wealthy, of course! With so much dreaming going on among this year’s top presidential contenders, John Delaney on the scene to scold us about how our dreams of living in a just society are just a scooch too big. Why not try something smaller? Or maybe try nothing. It’s better if we don’t rock the boat. After all, if John Delaney got rich in this system, anybody can!