In Which We Discuss:
1. Breaking News: Major billionaire actually decides NOT to run for president!
2. Now that ratings are what matter, Democrats aim to produce world’s greatest reality debate
3. Democrats finally make controversial statement that bigotry is wrong. Related: Puppies are cute!
4. Judge pleads with America to remember that Paul Manafort was a great man before his decades long crime spree
5. Donald Trump, star of presidency, screen, softcore porn, and now Bible author extraordinaire