In Which We Discuss:
1. Tuesday’s election results are garbage. Election day is for voting you fools!
2. Ben Carson goes on the defensive about his bio, promising Americans from the bottom of his heart that he definitely did stab somebody
3. Nothing’s funny about the Keystone pipeline, so hooray! We’ll never have to mention it ever again!
4. Jeb can fix it. Not his image, but “it” is all taken care of. Whew.
5. MSNBC’s Democratic forum is forgotten about by 99.9% of the 2% of people who even knew about it in the first place
6. Fox News gets the facts right, the tone confusingly wrong, while reporting on this month’s jobs numbers
7. Christians rush to the rescue of a heartbroken Baby Jesus, who in addition to taking on all of our sin now must mourn the loss of his beloved Starbucks seasonal cups
8. Sinkhole Radio returns with warnings about the many dangers, both syrup and parking-related, of going to an IHOP